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You could start small, with just reading and thinking about what you might eventually like your physical connection to be. It might be helpful to start thinking about ways to relate to his sex drive that help you both feel safe and attractive.

Your body deserves more fun and celebration than that! You don’t want to get stuck in a cycle where his libido seems threatening to you, so sex starts to feels like a neglected necessity to him and a tolerated ordeal to you. But it can be difficult to be aroused by someone who’s shown you they are more interested in their pleasure than in you feeling loved. If you do envisage a return to sex with him, you’ll want to feel treasured, exciting. If you each treat his libido as something that he has a right to pursue – even in ways that upset you – that might make it harder to come back to a physical relationship that you enjoy, too.

I wonder, too, whether there might be room for some conversations about relating to his sexuality in the long term. Not continuing to hurt you in this specific area seems like a straightforward way to be nicer to you. But nobody thinks the way we should treat our spouses is to do what we’re obliged to and nothing more. So yes, perhaps he’s not obliged by your marriage contract not to pay for these video sessions. That’s because being a good partner involves doing more than you’re obliged to, strictly speaking. If you say you feel betrayed and your partner responds with “What am I technically doing wrong?” it doesn’t exactly erase the feeling. Being systematically unavailable making big decisions without consultation just not caring very much how your partner feels – these things may not be instant violations in the obligation-flouting, “you promised A but now you’re doing B” way that infidelity is, but that doesn’t make them any more pleasant to live with. Shouldn’t that matter to him more than whether this meets the definition of cheating?Īll kinds of things are bad partnering, whether or not they’re Objectively Wrong. How to classify what he’s doing is less important than your emotional clarity: you feel betrayed. Video sessions like this, meeting in secret, holding hands – which of these is cheating? What’s just inappropriate? People’s attitudes differ.

All kinds of things can feel like a betrayal inside a marriage, even though there’s no physical sexual relationship.

Plotting the exact edges of monogamy is a tricky piece of cartography. Eleanor says: The answer about what counts as infidelity is less important here than how this makes you feel. What should I do? Let it go? Is he cheating or is he not? I am confused. I am not comfortable with the paid video sessions and I feel betrayed. I personally feel that he has made himself available to the escorts or vice versa and that’s very different from watching porn on websites.